The inspiration is huge!
I’m acutely aware that I may have only minutes to type what is in my head. My son, Jubal is napping and I’m sure he’s about to wake. I have many thoughts running through my head. The inspiration is huge! I have so much to say I am about to burst with words. But they can only be typed one word at a time. This is good. This is slow. This is restful.
I have just read more essays from the Taproot magazine: Rest. The creative work has my mind buzzing and my fingers itching. I realize that my heart longs to work with my hands, and yet my mind is used to the fast buzz of doing things on the computer and the internet. Hence why I am now typing my thoughts, instead of writing them somewhere in a journal.
It’s like I want to do many things, or seem like I am doing many things just like those around me. Motherhood has slowed me down. I am not making as many things, I am not interacting in as many ways, I am not academically learning as many things either. And with little time to get to write things down, processing what I am going through is also lacking. So, the huge epiphanies that I would normally process while playing on the piano or by writing and talking about them, have not happened in about a year.
And yet I think that this is not only okay, but it is good. It is enough, and it is good.
It is good for my heart, my mind, my body, my soul. One of the thoughts that was expressed in a Taproot essay was on how we are eager to spend money and save time. She then reflected this back and asked what it would be like if we were to do the opposite: Spend time and save money. With this whole new handmade business startup that I am venturing into with moccasins, I get anxious. I could get everything done that I need done, yet that doesn’t buy happiness. It is in the relationships with others that happiness is found. It is in supporting, encouraging, loving, and growing with one another that true joy is made complete (to throw in a quote from Beth Moore).
I am afraid of success. I am afraid of failure. These seem like they have potential to hold me back when it comes to making moccasins. I don’t want too many to make that I am in over my head with things to do and not enough time or energy or motivation to play and learn with Jubal. And then to think of having another kid! Whew. That seems like a lot and at times I don’t want it. So naturally, it scares me. Then I am afraid of failure. I am afraid that I will have spent all this time and family sacrifice for nothing.
What is my goal with this business? Is it for monetary security? Is it so that I feel like I am contributing to the family? Is it where I am trying to find my worth? Is it an escape from the reality of slowing down, to feel like I am doing something that I think is valuable or that I think others will find value in, beyond my mothering? I know that being a mother is important and I value it. I have longed to be a mother since I was a little girl and saw my cat Spooky giving birth to her 5 kittens. And why, now that I am in it, do I long for Jubal to take a nap so I can take a reprieve, have some coffee undisturbed, sit down quietly, eat some chocolate, eat some food, and more food, and more food?! Why are these now my goals. These superficial things that don’t matter?
What is underlying all of this? There must be something that is going on that I need to address. That I need to be honest about and face head on.
I know that I like working with my hands. I know that I like to take my time. I know that I like to make pretty things and I like to make useful things. People have asked me for moccasins of their own, made by me. They keep saying that I should sell them so others can enjoy them too. I have started this, should I quit? Should I continue?
I can be slow. I can take my time. I do have it in me. This really can be that contemplative thing. It can be that thing that I enjoy doing, still. I don’t have to not enjoy it for it be a business. It is a small business… for now.
I *can* think in terms of abundance. And really that is what this is all about. This is abundance.
This is the word for 2018, for me.
I’m not talking about a narrow mindset of abundance – the classic I have a lot of money thought. Nope. I am talking about resourcefulness and truthfulness.
I believe we have everything that we need. Sometimes I am too blind to see it because there are literally thoughts floating in front of my eyes, in another dimension of the creative brain that is always inspired and longing to do something. The future thoughts of potentials enslave me at most times. But, I am declaring abundance. Abundance in what is NOW! What is here right now in front of me. Not any of this conceptual stuff of future things. What do I need to do right now to conquer this?!
Be who I am now
Do what I can now
One step at a time. One stitch at a time. One hide at a time.